


Dream You Wide Awake

by Awesomeist0



Series: If Only [3]
Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe-Magical Diseases, Dreams, F/M, Finn has no idea what he wants, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Infidelity, Jealousy, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, New Relationship, Not Kayfabe Compliant, Possible Character Death, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unrequited Love, Unrequited love that's literally killing Sami
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2019-10-05 21:11:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awesomeist0/pseuds/Awesomeist0
Summary: Set just before the 2019 Royal Rumble. Sami knows Finn isn't his to love anymore.  But that's okay, because he's found happiness in his new relationship with Alexa Bliss.  It might not be love with her, but it's enough to piece his broken heart mostly back together.And when he starts coughing up flower petals, it's only a matter of time before the love he doesn't know how to shake consumes him.  Finn can never love him.  Sami can never stop.  So the flowers will grow in his lungs until he has no breath.





	1. Sami

**Author's Note:**

> This story is nowhere near Kayfabe compliant. It's set just before Royal Rumble, and about 90% of the wrestling storylines contained within are just my desperate hopes for how things play out. 
> 
> Again, this isn't intended to be a real people fic. My stories in this universe are about Finn, Sami, and Seth, not Fergal, Rami, and Colby. Set in the same universe as Remainder and Lay Your Body Down, so consider reading those stories first.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible TW about halfway through the chapter. Sami gets anxious and overwhelmed and digs his nails into his palm. Not graphic and barely mentioned, but wanted to make sure anyone going into this is aware.

 

_He sighed, his heart so swollen full of love he was sure it would rupture._

 

 _Soft, beautifully soft pink lips brushed over and over his bare chest, the warm breath teasing the curly red patches of chest hair.  “Beautiful.” A breath. A prayer. He loves the way that word sounds as it falls from his love’s lips, even if he can’t begin to fathom how someone so perfect could think of_ him _in such a way.  He’s nothing special.  Okay to look at maybe, typically compared to an awkward grandfather on the internet and certainly not in the same league as this almost ethereal creature writhing against him.  He doesn’t know what he’s done that would possibly make him worthy of_ this.   _This glorious heat, bodies rubbing so perfectly together as lips make a slow descent down the flat plane of his chest.  His breath comes out in shuddering gasps; starts and stops with each press of a mouth on his skin._

 

_“I love you.”  His brain is so lost, with the sweet fire of a mouth burning lower and lower against him that he doesn’t know which of them is speaking.  But it doesn’t matter. They love each other. He knows that, knows that with as much certainty as he does his own name. He can feel the intensity of it in every kiss he receives.  Every touch placed against his quivering and so unworthy skin. Plush lips brushed gently...too gently, down his flushed chest. Settled against his nipples; just little kisses, barely more than a moment of warmth that vanished too quickly.  He sobbed in frustration, hands clenched into white knuckled circles as he struggled not to seize the pale shoulders in front of him. Kept the teasing warmth against him so they couldn’t vanish as they were so frequently apt to do._

 

_That thought almost snapped him out of the blissful near trance of warmth and love.  “You’re not going to leave me again, are you?” Shaking words, tripping over each other and shattering as they fall from his numb lips.  He’d been dreaming of this too frequently. Nights when he was alone, hiding from the world in his apartment that should have contained two and wishing more than anything for this to be his.  Lips would dance across his skin in dreams, leaving him writhing and desperate and sobbing from absolute heartbreak when he’d have to open his eyes and find himself alone._

 

_But that wouldn’t happen now.  It couldn’t. A soft giggle mixed with the breath against his skin, which made his nerve endings feel raw.  Hypersensitized, and he almost needs to push that warm mouth away because if just the air against his skin makes him tingle, what will a touch feel like? It was too much; too too much.  His skin was burning and his heart was throbbing in his chest and he needs this so much and he doesn’t know how to breathe without it and_

 

_A scream of pure agony ripped past his chapped lips.  “You can’t leave me!”_

 

_All the love that was once shimmering in the ocean blue eyes has vanished.  Now, there’s only coldness. Blankness. A little grin that snaked around his heart like barbed wire, squeezing and ensnaring it and making him bleed.  “I’m not yours. Remember? I’m-”_

 

_//no don’t say it don’t say it because if you do i’ll die//_

 

_“Seth’s.”_

 

_He stops breathing._

 

“Hey.”  Sami snapped his eyes open, heart pounding as though he’d just run a marathon.  Another dream. God, he almost wondered if it would be better not to sleep at all.  Because if he didn’t dream, he wouldn’t be trapped in this cosmic sort of game of Russian Roulette, waiting to see if he’d lose and fall into a dream where he was given everything he wanted.  On one hand, until he realized he was dreaming, everything felt so bright. Perfect. Memories of touching Finn were tangled together with the idealized version of what their relationship had been like, constricting him tighter and tighter until he thought his skin would burst.  But if he didn’t dream, Finn would really be gone. Out of his life forever, and he didn’t think he was strong enough to go without him completely.

 

Alexa’s eyes

 

_//still blue, but not the blue he loves, the blue he can fall into and drown//_

 

were so sad as she stared up at him, one hand resting lightly against his chest.  “You were dreaming again.”

 

“S-Sorry.”  He shook his head twice to clear it, glancing quickly around the crowded plane to make sure that no one was paying any particular attention to them.  He hadn’t actually expected to fall asleep here. Sleeping in planes was a skill he’d never quite been able to master on a consistent basis, and couple that with the fact that he was less than 24 hours away from a meeting with Hunter and the creative team about his immediate future with the WWE, his nerves were shot.  It was Alexa that managed to keep him together. Sane. And he hated that he was forcing that role upon her, considering they weren’t even really friends. Roommates. And okay, she was something of a caretaker after his second surgery. And maybe they’d end up in each other’s arms some nights; the ones when the loneliness threatened to reach up and choke them both and it was only in feeling the touch of another when Sami could find peace.  But platonically. He had no expectations otherwise.

 

Alexa closed her arms tighter around him, her small hands skating up and down his chest.  So gently. As if she was forcing breath into his lungs because it hurt too much to do it on his own.  “You’re too good for him, you know.”

 

Sami tried to hold back a chuckle.  It wasn’t fair for him to laugh at Alexa, not if he wanted their strange cuddle buddy/pseudo friendship to continue.  But he really wasn’t. Finn Balor was perfection, pure and simple. An amazing wrestler. So charismatic and gorgeous, and the WWE was lucky to have him.

 

Not like himself.

 

Sure, he had some highly rated matches.  And his name was synonymous with the success of NXT.  But other than that, he had nothing. A brief title run back in 2015 that lasted 62 days exactly.  That was it. Nothing else had come of his time in the WWE.

 

Except for Finn.

 

“I’m serious.”  She clutched his cheeks, eyes unreadable as she just stared at him.  Almost as if she was annoyed that he couldn't acknowledge what she was saying.  “Anyone. Fucking _anyone_ should be thrilled to be loved by you.”  His heart was breaking with each of her words because, as kind as he knew her intent was, they were lies.  Sami couldn’t allow himself to even hope that there was any truth to it. He’d fallen down that trap back when he believed Bayley’s affirmation that he was good enough to love Finn Balor, and he honestly didn’t know if his heart would be strong enough to keep beating if it broke again.

 

“You’re making me blush.”  In truth, Sami really needed her to stop talking about this.  It was taking every last clinging bit of his resolve not to just break down from the crushing weight of it all, but he had to keep it together.  To keep his strength in front of Alexa, because if he scared her...if he drove her away and he was alone again, it would hurt too much. “How long was I out?”

 

“About an hour.”  Alexa leaned against his shoulder, her cheek tucked gently into the soft curve of his bare neck.  “We should be in Florida soon.” Sami couldn’t help but shiver at the warm sensation of breath against his skin.  It was so intimate. Totally nonsexual, but something he missed. Letting someone get so close to him. Sharing space and even breath.  He looked down at her, briefly overcome with the desire to wrap an arm around her. Pull her close to him, close enough that he could feel more of her warmth.  But he was a coward. Alexa was too perfect to even think about touching. And even if he did, he knew it would feel wrong. Too small and fragile, lacking the hard planes of muscle that he missed with all of his still broken heart.  So instead Sami smiled gently down at her, taking one of her earbuds so they could both tune out. “If you’re going to make fun of my Spotify playlist, I swear to God…”

 

He held up his hands in mock surrender.  “No mocking. I promise. Unless you’re listening to the _High School Musical_ soundtrack again.”

 

“Shut up, Zayn.”  He felt a light warmth against his neck, and he shuddered at the realization that she’d just kissed him.  But lightly. A single brush of her glossed lips against his freckled skin, so quickly that he barely felt it.  

 

Their hands slipped together atop the molded plastic armrest.

*****

After checking into the hotel, there wasn’t really much for Sami to do.  He thought about turning in for the night, but with it barely 6PM and with the fear of having another vivid dream, that was quickly pushed aside.  As the cliche went, with over 200 channels on the hotel TV there was obviously nothing on, and given the choice between infomercials and a _Golden Girls_ rerun he’d seen at least a dozen times prior, he opted to do neither.  Sami had resigned himself to a night of obsessing about his meeting with Hunter and purposely not checking Twitter

 

_//where Finn had tagged Seth in a romantic piece of fan art and even though they’d both played it off as a joke it still fucking destroyed him//_

 

and Alexa found him curled atop his bed, glaring at the clock radio as if willing the numbers to advance.  It was her idea to spend time at the performance center, since neither had engaged in a proper workout for days, and the hotel gym was seriously lacking.  It was a fantastic idea. If he could push himself past the point of exhaustion, he wouldn’t have to think.

 

It was surprisingly crowded for a Wednesday evening.  He’d been to the performance center a few weeks ago for his rehab, but that was a completely different experience.  Rehab was fucking brutal, and even though the trainers teased him about being a ray of sunshine, it wasn’t a happy experience.  But being back at the gym itself, surrounded by talent that he hadn’t seen in years was awesome. Most people left him to his own devices, but it was nice to talk with Ricochet again.  He’d begged Sami to come back to NXT so they could have a match together. And that may have been an answer to his prayers. Rumor was that Hunter wanted to make NXT a comparable brand to Raw and Smackdown, so people like Ciampa and Gargano were electing to stay there past the time they were supposed to be in developmental.  He could do that. Go back to Florida. Recapture his glory days. It made him feel a bit warm and fuzzy thinking about it. Maybe he’d get the “ _Ole_!” chants from his Generico days.  Maybe he’d be taken seriously once again, not just getting used as a speed bump to make Lashley look strong.  Maybe-

 

“You see that Zayn’s back?”

Sami stood in front of the sink in the men’s room where he’d been splashing cold water on his fevered cheeks.  He’d heard his name just a moment before the door swung open, and on impulse, rushed over to stand in one of the stalls.  “Yeah.” He thought he recognised the two voices, though not well. One was a physical therapy assistant he’d worked with following his first surgery.   

 

The one who had referred to him as a literal ray of sunshine.

 

“I don’t know why he’s bothering.”  A mixture of annoyance and pain washed back over him.  As if it was laying in wait. Never far from his mind, perhaps allowing him to be happy for a few moments or hours, even.  But it would never last. He wasn’t enough, and he knew it. Everyone did. And now he had to hear it.

 

“You gotta admit, Zayn did some cool shit in RoH.  Generico vs. Steen for his mask was fucking brutal.”  Sami heard the sink snap on, focusing on the sound of the water rushing down the drain to keep him grounded.  

 

“But what the fuck has he done lately, besides fuck up both shoulders?”  Part of him wanted to rush out of the stall; to stand before them both and scream out his worth.  Shut these two up, at least for a time and keep the fragments of his heart from being pulverized beyond repair.

 

But there was no point.

 

Even if he did intervene, it didn’t change that this was the way that his associates thought.  Sami dug his nails deeper into the flesh of his palms, ignoring the pulse in his hands as they throbbed.  Useless. Pathetic. That was all he was. A broken shell, hollow and drifting through life aimlessly as if caught in a breeze.  

 

“Well, Zayn’s gotta have something up his sleeve.  You heard that he’s with Alexa Bliss now, right?”

 

The therapy assistant snorted; disbelief in his voice palpable even though the metal dividers in the bathroom.  “That’s bullshit.”

 

“False.  I saw them holding hands earlier.”

 

“The fuck does that have to do with anything? Besides, _Sami fucking Zayn_ doesn’t like girls.  He was Balor’s bitch for years until he dumped his ass for Rollins.”

 

Sami pressed his nails in harder, a sob breaking across his lips like a wave over rocks.  

 

“Now I know _that’s_ bullshit.  Balor’s fucked his way from one corner of Japan to the other.  No way would he lower his standards for Generico.”

“Oh, and _I’m_ supposed to believe that Bliss would go from Buddy Murphy to Grandpa Sami?” A harsh bark of cruel laughter seemed to echo in the bathroom like a clap of thunder.  “Talk about lowering your standards. Other than being gingers, I don’t think they’re even in the same species.”

 

Sami heard the door to the bathroom crash against the wall with such force that the dividers shook.  “Who the _FUCK_ do you two think you are?!”

 

Alexa.

 

He cracked open the door to the stall to see his roommate standing in the doorway, beautiful face red and twisted as she screamed at the two very ashamed men.  The therapist opened his mouth to speak, but she jammed a finger in his face to silence him. “You have no right… no _fucking_ right to speak of Sami like that! He’s an amazing man; selfless and talented and absolutely fucking perfect.  It’s because of assholes like you that he can’t see it.”

 

The second man looked down at his shoes, his face unreadable.  “We really didn’t mean anything by it.”

 

“Leave him the fuck alone, or I’ll make it my mission to see that you’re dropped from the WWE and end up begging for scraps over at _Impact._ ”  

 

He’d had enough.

 

Pulling on a twisted little grin that he’d seen so often on Finn, Sami walked out of the stall, letting the door slam behind him.  All of the fury in her face drained in an instant, leaving behind a look of absolute concern. He didn’t look at the other two; he didn’t need to.  “Are we done here?”

 

“One second.”  With her pink lips twisting into an evil grin to rival his own, she dumped out the remnants of a protein shake from her blender bottle.  “Guess you should clean your mess, huh?”

*****

They’d ended up at a little ice cream parlor in a strip mall not too far from the performance center.  Since January wasn’t exactly known for ice cream consumption, even in Florida, they pretty much had the place to themselves.  The part of his brain that insisted that he would never be enough screamed at him as he picked his way through the oversized milkshake.  This wasn’t how athletes were supposed to eat. But considering he’d lost almost 30 pounds since his shoulder surgery, and the cute little way Alexa would sneak chunks of the oreo out of the whipped cream when she knew he was looking, he allowed himself this indulgence.  He pulled on a grin that was no less false but felt a bit more natural as she took a selfie of the two of them, and Sami felt a little flutter in his stomach at the thought of the reaction to it on social media. “You okay?” Alexa reached across the little table to cover his much larger hand with her own.  

 

“I’d be better if you stopped taking the best part of my milkshake.”  Sami brushed his ring finger across the base of her pinky, feeling briefly lost in the sensation of her soft skin against his.  

 

“I left you the cherry.  And besides, I just wanted a taste.  I had a protein shake earlier.”

 

He smiled gently, pushing the large styrofoam cup closer to her.  “Well, half of one. I’m not sure if I should thank you for that, or be mortified that you had to fight a battle for me.”

 

“First of all, I didn’t _have_ to do shit, Zayn.  You’re my friend. I care about you.”  Alexa squeezed him tighter, her tanned skin seeming to glow against his pale hand.  “It kills me that you can’t see it.”

 

His heart, or rather what’s left of it, pulled tighter.  She was so beautiful against him. Her hand against his upper arm, fingertips skimming across the dusting of hair and freckles that clung to his body.  Her touch was so soft and deliberate, seeming to brush over each individual hair as if taking inventory of his body. It made him shiver in a way that had nothing to do with the air conditioning and the massive ice cream dessert he’d been slurping down.  “Why can’t you see that I’m nothing?” Sami dropped his head down to look at the scuffed faux wood table, tears sliding down his face and dripping against the fluorescent paper menu.

 

“Because that’s absolute bullshit.”  Alexa’s hand moved higher, chasing the hair up his arm to rest against his bicep.  He felt himself tense without thinking, as this was just beneath the shoulder that was just surgically repaired.  “You’re so good, Sami. I just want to fucking hold you until you believe me.” Each of her words were punctuated by a slow stroke of her thumb against the sensitive skin on the back of his bicep.  Still so pale and marred with faint scars, ancient by this point and barely visible, but they were there. And she’d be able to feel them, the physical manifestations of his various failures. Sami felt his tears flow faster with each of these touches, and he needed her to stop.  Because his armor was falling away, crumbling down around him and it had to be there. If Finn could hurt him. The man who claimed to love him; the one who insisted that he loved to cuddle with Sami. The man who could make love to him for hours until they were lost in each other, the rest of the world disappearing like shadows at sunset.  If Finn could hurt him that badly, how could he possibly keep his heart safe from Alexa?

 

“Don’t hurt me.”  Sami’s words were barely audible.  Tears and breath forced into a facsimile of sound as he stared into the blue eyes that were so familiar, but so different.  Blue, yes, but icy. Like the sky on a cloudless December morning. “Leave me. Go back to keeping your distance, but please, _please_ don’t hurt me.”  He felt so pathetic saying this aloud, because really, what right did he have to make this demand of Alexa? He knew that he should be thrilled to have someone in his life at all, even if it was fleeting.  But he was barely together, fragments of the person he once was before Finn barely held together by bandages and false hope. It wouldn’t take much to shatter him completely.

  


“Sami,” she breathed, as he lost himself in sensation of her gentle fingers tracing the underside of his jaw.  “I can’t promise never to hurt you accidentally. I can pretend, but I’m not perfect.” He sniffled to hold back a fresh onslaught of tears at the soft warmth of her mouth against his cheek.  Tasting his tears. His failure. “You’re in so much pain, and I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

“Do you mean that?” He stared at Alexa in wonder, barely able to process what was happening here.  He didn’t know if it was love, at least not the way he knew that he still loved Finn. But having her close.  Knowing that he could reach out and take her into his arms whenever she wanted or he needed. Having someone in his life, someone that he could care for and would care for him as fiercely, which was something that he had to believe or he’d drown.  

Alexa got out of the chair, standing behind him to hold him tightly.  Protectively. Clutched him to her chest as tightly as possible; cupped the back of his head so that she was all she could hear.  All he could sense. The soft, life sustaining noises of her body seemed to roar beneath his ear and Sami closed his eyes, trying to commit each and every one of them to memory.  The gentle inhale and exhale of the breath cycling through her body. The constant pounding of her heart. These involuntary noises brought her more comfort than he’d ever thought he’d find again.

 

“I have you.”  Her words were soft but determined; fractured by the additional punctuation of her tears but still not wavering.

 

And for now.  At least for tonight.  It was enough.


	2. Finn (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Seth get ready for a meeting about the Royal Rumble. And Finn falls head first into the memories of what he'd once had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was getting really long, so I'll break it up into two sections for ease of reading. Just as a reminder, this isn't kayfabe compliant.

 

Finn stared down at his egg white omelette, picking at one of the canned mushrooms and trying to keep his stomach from sinking.  He wasn’t hungry; hadn’t been hungry since he and Seth got the orders to come to the PC for a meeting about the Royal Rumble. But it still felt like he was on borrowed time.   _ Had _ felt that way following his shoulder surgery and subsequent concussion.  Finn knew that Vince thought that he was fragile; a label that could very well put an end to any upward momentum.  Deep down, he knew it wouldn’t happen, but there was still the nagging fear that he was being summoned to Florida to be released.  And since he was trapped in a non-compete clause with the WWE, if he was released, that would probably be the end of his career.

 

Beside him, Seth wrapped an arm around his shoulders.  “Stop thinking so much.” Light fingertips traced the baby fine hair on the back of his neck, making him shiver.  

 

“Easy for you to say.”  Finn took another bite of his breakfast, though it felt like sawdust as it touched his tongue.  “You’re winning the Rumble. I’m about an hour from getting ‘future endeavored.’”

 

His lover pulled him closer, close enough that he was practically sitting in the younger man’s lap.  “They wouldn’t bring you here to fire you, sweetheart. If nothing else, they wouldn’t waste the money on the plane ticket.”  Seth’s smile was as bright and beautiful as it always was. Typically, it brought him peace. But not today. Not when his future, even as close as tomorrow’s episode of Raw felt so fragile.  Like a delicate vase made of glass, just waiting to fall. Finn tried to lift his fork to his lips, but the stainless steel was too heavy. “You’re really worried about this, aren’t you?”

 

He nodded.  Didn’t want to; didn’t want to acknowledge his insecurities howling at the bottom of his soul.  But he wasn’t going to lie to Seth. “Tell me I’m good enough.” His vision blurred, turning his breakfast into something unrecognisable.  Fuck, the last thing he needed was to get caught on some random fan’s camera not only sitting in his boyfriend’s

 

_ //which as far as the WWE was concerned, he didn’t have// _

 

lap, but sobbing hysterically over nothing at a random IHoP.  That would go over real well with the WWE Universe. Especially with those who already doubted him.  Wrote him off as little more than fodder for their monster heels, even if he knew that this was the existence he was doomed to.  Seth’s arms were shaking as he pulled him closer, his dark eyes watery and Finn felt too guilty to look at him. On top of everything else, he’d just made the man he loved cry.  “Of course you are.” Wavering words fell from his lips, each falling against him like the tears that dripped into Finn’s hair. Each somehow managing to sink into his soul and trying to fill the cracks.  “Fucking-damnit, you are the best thing that this company has going for them.” He shuddered as he felt Seth’s syrup tinged lips brush over and over his forehead. “You don’t deserve  _ any _ of this shit.  It’s…” The younger man nuzzled the top of his head, his words soft and broken.  “It’s all my fault.”

 

Finn knew what he was talking about, of course.  Summerslam, 2016. The night he won his championship.  Even though it wasn’t his to keep. “Never blamed you,” he muttered, reaching up to stroke his boyfriend’s damp cheeks.  Because it had never been Seth’s fault. If anything, it was his own.

 

It was punishment.

 

He could never admit it.  Certainly not to Sami, and not even to himself when the thought would rip him from sleep hours before the sun rose.  But he knew from almost the very moment that their paths crossed that he was hopelessly drawn to Seth Rollins. He’d hoped it was mutual.  And that scared him. Trying to pretend for months that nothing was wrong, that he was still so very in love with the man who shared his bed.  Slept in his arms every night, even if his dreams were all of another.

 

And then he was injured.  

 

He knew that Seth tore himself up over this.  Typically, he was happy and even fucking  _ loved _ assuring him that this was in no way, shape, or form, his fault.  But today, with his insecurities lurking and ready to pounce, he couldn’t do it.   _ He _ needed the comfort today.  And was honestly a bit annoyed that his lover was trying to twist his breakdown into being about himself.  So as Seth sobbed against him, clutching at him with shaking arms that brought no comfort, all that he wanted to do was escape.  

 

It felt awful.

 

He dropped his hands, actually jerking his wrists out of Seth’s sweaty grasp as his boyfriend tried to keep him in place.  Making him feel trapped. “Can we talk about this later?” His sudden flash of annoyance cauterized his tears, trickling into his voice and making the younger man flinch.  He should have felt guilty about it; snapping at Seth when all he wanted to do was assure him that he was loved and valued. But it felt oppressive. Consuming. Like he could barely breathe, crushed beneath the weight of the younger man’s guilt.

 

“Sure.”  Seth’s eyes were a chaotic storm of emotions; guilt and pain and now embarrassment and he pulled a smirk to his lips to hide them all, as he was frequently apt to do.  As  _ he _ frequently did.  

 

He skimmed his thumb against his bare bicep, and instead of leaning towards the touch or even smiling, the younger man remained totally passive.  As if Finn’s touch was so inconsequential that it could be shrugged off. And it irritated him more. “You know I love you,” he said softly. So far beneath his breath that it was barely audible.  “I’m just…”

 

“Worried?”

Finn could only nod.  Nothing he said here, probably until after the meeting ended and everything was all right

 

_ //if it was all right// _

 

would make this situation better.  There was this chasm between the two of them, and the more they sat beside each other, both hurting and trying to pretend that the other wasn’t the cause of their pain, it continued to grow.  He stared at Seth’s hand against the table, his fingertips drumming against the scuffed wood in anxious, irregular patterns. Finn knew what those fingers felt like against his skin. Missed them, even though he was the one to push his boyfriend away.  “Can we get out of here?” He hated the desperation in his voice. It made him sound weak, which was something he’d spent most of his entire adult life fighting against.

 

Seth’s eyes were wary as they swept across him, the question shining in them almost as visibly as his unshed tears.  He clearly wanted to push him further. 

 

But wouldn’t.

 

“All right.”  Fingertips trailed lightly across his back for just a moment as the younger man slid out of the booth, leaving a pile of cash on the table. He wanted to enjoy it, to let it wash over him and make him feel so safe and loved.  Instead, he felt himself shudder. As if his boyfriend’s touch was parasitic. Leaching out his heat and making him feel even weaker than when they woke that morning, curled in each other’s arms as if nothing could possibly be wrong.  Usually, with Seth, it was so easy to forget. Now though, he no longer had that luxury. And it scared him.

*****

They were two of the first wrestlers in the conference room.  A tray of pastries were waiting in the center of the table, although he’d been to enough of these meetings to know that none of the talent ever touched them.  Too much unspoken pressure, the expectations of how professional wrestlers employed by a multibillion dollar company were supposed to look and eat. Since he came to the WWE, Finn frequently struggled with feeling human.  It was so easy to lose himself in this manufactured narrative of who he  _ should _ be.  Who he frequently felt as though he was disappointing.  If perhaps he could bench a little more...could move a little faster or jump just a little higher, maybe he’d be back to where he should be.  Back to the place that he  _ was _ , back before that one night and a torn labrum and the saddest hazel eyes and the knowledge that he’s let everyone down...he’d fucked it all up for himself and Sami, because since he’d failed it would affect his boyfriend’s life too, and…

 

He slammed his phone down onto the thick plastic table, which made Seth jump and Sheamus stare at him as though he’d grown a second head.  Why the actual  _ fuck _ was he thinking about this now? His injury had healed.  He was fine, with only a faint scar on his shoulder to prove that anything out of the ordinary had happened.  And Sami wasn’t his boyfriend. Not anymore, and it was finally what they both needed. Finn needed Seth, needed him like oxygen and Sami needed to find someone who actually loved him the way he deserved.  Someone who was worthy of the admiration in his gorgeous eyes, the gentle tremble in his fingers as his hand slowly explored Finn’s skin late at night, the heat and love sinking deep into the core of his very being-

 

Finn dropped his head down into his hands, squeezing the skin on the back of his neck and trying not to sob in absolute frustration.  What was going on here? Fuck, why was his brain short circuiting? He hadn’t thought about Sami that way since they broke up. There was no need to dwell on the past; what he’d had for years and honestly didn’t even want.  It was this damned meeting. All the tension swirling around in his brain, not knowing what to expect other than the fact that his ex

 

_ //along with about a quarter of the rest of the roster// _

 

would be here too.  Him and  _ Alexa _ .

 

“ ‘m not feeling well.”  His voice wavered and shook as he pulled himself up to his feet.  The whole room seemed to be spinning, circling around him and if he didn’t run, he’d drown.  Seth looked up at him with concern and annoyance fighting a war within his deep brown eyes. And this time, the concern won.

 

Sheamus gestured to a dozen or so water bottles lined up by the pastries like soldiers, but he barely saw them.  Barely saw  _ him _ , for that matter.  His boyfriend started to reach for him, but stopped at the last second.  A wall was up. One that they both thought had been thoroughly shattered almost concurrently with Sami’s heart.  “Do you need me to take you back? I can tell Hunter-”

 

Finn shook his head quickly, the nausea creeping up through his insides to squeeze his guts.  “I’ll be fine. Need some air.”

 

If either of the other men spoke to him, he didn’t realize.  Or care. All he was concerned with was getting out of that room.  One of so many he’d been in over the course of his wrestling career.  They were all so similar, in different locations and with different furniture and different people waiting inside to pick the various aspects of his career to shreds.  It was part of this job, this constant scrutiny. By his bosses. The fans. Higher ups and critics in the injury, all so eager to pick at each seemingly insignificant action both in and out of the ring.  It had never been like this in the indies, and Finn just had to keep hoping that the longer he was in the WWE, the easier it would get. But it took so much out of him. Even after he had his shoulder surgery, there were the cameras.  Photos of him actually under the knife; fans seeing something so intensely intimate even before he had. 

 

He was truly grateful for the interest in him.  From the bottom of his heart, even if the intensity of it was crushing.  But in his most desperate moments, sometimes, he wished that he had a moment to himself.  Even if it was just to breathe.

 

The early afternoon sunshine beat down on his shoulders and bare arms, and even though it felt warm and slightly tingly, he shivered.  The Florida weather always seemed to throw him for a loop. Even as sunny as it was, it was still winter, and the wind had a bit of bite to it.  The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to lose himself in the cool air that tried to engulf him.  Like a hug that provided no warmth. He leaned against the side of the building, still vaguely to smell the faint remains of Seth’s cologne that clung to his t-shirt.

 

And then he saw them.

 

Finn froze, almost horrified when he found Dean and Sami sitting together on a wrought iron bench a few feet away.  Dean held a cigarette in one of his hands, the smoke curling lazily into the air to be blown away by the wind. “So I heard that your asshole ex is dating my asshole ex best friend.”  His heart cracked a little around the edges as he heard the other man’s sad little laugh. But Sami’s eyes were at least bright, reminding him of the way they once were. The way he once was, before Finn broke his heart.

 

“I’m okay.”

 

“Are you?” Dean brought the cigarette up to his lips.  “I know Seth’s a dick, but I really thought your Finn was one of the good ones.”

 

His Finn.  Fuck, he never was Sami’s Finn, even when he was supposed to be.  Even when that was all that he thought he wanted, back before that night he discovered Seth alone in the locker room with tears streaming down his beautiful cheeks.  Tears that he needed more than anything to kiss away. Finn leaned against the side of the building, the cold bricks seeming to burn through his thin cotton shirt.

 

Sami shrugged, his little smile wavering but still clinging to his lips almost definitely.  Like a leaf bravely grasping a branch at the end of fall. “I couldn’t be enough for him.” With the wind whipping around the building, it was difficult to hear everything that the others said with one hundred percent clarity.  Which is why he hoped that it was just a trick of the acoustics, and not tears that threatened to break within his ex boyfriend’s voice. “But I’m okay, I swear. I have…” He chuckled lightly. “Fuck, don’t spread it around or anything, but Alexa and I are together.  Sort of.”

 

A particularly icy blast of wind crashed into his skin.  Seeping inside. Glazing all of his internal organs in a thick layer of ice.  He heard Dean make a happy little noise, smacking him harshly on the back with an ear splitting grin.  This was fantastic. Awesome. Good for Sami. He was so very happy with Seth, and it was certainly a weight off of his shoulders to know that his ex had someone in his life.  Someone that he could love, and loved him as fiercely as he once had Finn. His hands shaking from the cold, because there was no way it would be from anything else, Finn took out his cell phone and went sifting through his messages.  Until he found that one that Bayley had sent him almost a year ago. The one with the photo of Sami, clutching him so close and gazing at him so softly and fuck if he cared, but it was almost hard to believe that Sami could possibly love Alexa with the same desperate intensity that he obviously did Finn at this moment so far across time.

 

But he didn’t care.  Sami wasn’t in his life anymore; he didn’t need or even  _ want _ him in his life anymore.  Alexa was an objectively beautiful woman, and surely she could be everything that he needed.  She’d be able to hold him late into the night, even if she didn’t seem like the cuddling type.  If that was the case, she had quite a shock coming to her, because his ex was the cuddliest person he’d ever met.  It was a bit of a shock, at first. This man; a professional wrestler who was able to make such magic in the ring, loved the constant closeness.  The gentle press of body against body, even if it was completely nonsexual. He would clutch at Finn late into the night, his head on his chest and his breath on his skin with only the sound of Sami’s soft breathing disturbing the late night quiet.

 

“There you are.”  Finn shrank back into the shadows of the building, his breath tumbling out of him as he tried to stay invisible.  The assistant glanced over at him curiously, but turned the bulk of his attention back to Dean and Sami. “Hunter’s here, so the meeting’s about to start.”

 

Without waiting, he rushed back in, moving back to his boyfriend and future as if on autopilot, even as his mind pitched and rolled with the memories of what he’d had before.     


	3. Finn (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, this isn't Kayfabe compliant.

He couldn’t stop shaking.

This was finally happening. Hunter was here, staring at him wearing a little smile that Finn couldn’t quite place. It didn’t seem malicious, but then again, his boss, despite his persona from the Authority days, wasn’t the type to delight in someone’s misery. So he had hope that maybe...maybe things would work out.

But he couldn’t stop looking at Sami.

Even with Seth beside him, an arm awkwardly stretched against the back of his faux leather office chair but not touching his skin. He tried to hide it for a while; doodling in the legal pad in front of him or at least putting in the effort to jerk his eyes away from the younger man when he noticed that Sami was looking back at him. But it took too much out of him. So he looked. Tried not to remember. And he felt himself falling hopelessly backwards.

The meeting stretched out so slowly before him. Hunter started talking to each of them individually about upcoming storylines and possible Rumble spots. It should have been interesting. But there were so many people here, and there was only so much seemingly useless knowledge he could cram into his head. About Asuka and Becky; more power to Becky, she deserved it. Bryan would retain against AJ, and he found himself almost wistful to be in that match. It’d been too, too long since he spent any time with his friend. Or his Good Brothers. With the exception of a few random matches last year, it was as if his era with the Bullet Club had never existed.

Until…

“As for you, Sami Zayn.” Hunter's eyes were soft as he looked into the hazel that Finn had been unable to ignore. Poor Sami seemed to be just as anxious as he was, flashing their boss a beaming “I'm fine” smile that everyone could see right through. He felt the skin on his upper arms crawl at Alexa's perfectly manicured hand resting lightly against Sami's bare skin, and he found himself reaching for Seth's hand without thinking. Their skin pressed together finally, and in the flash of body heat mixing, Finn saw his ex's eyes focusing only on him. An ugly little spark of triumph bubbled up inside of him, and it was so hard not to smirk at Alexa.

Which was wrong. So, so wrong.

“You've got the a-ok to wrestle again. Our long term plan for you and Owens was to make your comeback in the Rumble, provided you were healthy enough to compete. But honestly, I'm not so sure that's what's best.” Seth made a sharp hiss of pain, and Finn guiltily realized he was digging his nails into his boyfriend's hand. “Now you're not going to win it yet; not with more buildup. But we're changing the US Championship match with Nakamura and Russev to a triple threat.”

Sami's eyes lit up like stars in the night sky. “A title match? Already?” He cleared his throat a bit, his emotions clearly getting to him. “But I didn't-”

“You deserve it, kid.” His smile was a bit wistful, and Finn couldn't help but notice it drift over to him. “We’ve made some booking mistakes lately. Too many loyal, deserving guys have been on the sidelines for far too long. So yes, Zayn, we want you in the US title hunt. With the possibility of the belt by 'Mania.”

His happiness seemed to pour out of him like sunshine through a stained glass window. “T-Thank you! I...I’ve hoped, of course, but I didn’t think I’d actually get the chance.” Others in the room started to respond to this news pretty much as Finn would have expected. Some of the wrestlers were happy for him. Some offered only fake smiles and golf claps, clearly waiting to see what their own fate for the Rumble would be. A few seemed to be shooting daggers into him. But at least Sami didn’t seem to notice that. He was too busy bubbling over with his happiness, delicate, pale fingers brushing through Alexa’s hair and against her forehead as she beamed at him. “So, I’m coming back to Smackdown?”

“Yup. You and Miss Bliss, actually. With the debut of Smackdown on Fox, we’ve got to shuffle our talent. Speaking of that.”

His stomach twisted, and he grasped Seth’s hand harder.

“Finn.”

He squeezed tighter.

“We’ve talked about the plans for the Rumble, a bit, with you and Seth.” He nodded his head slowly, waiting for the moment the bottom would drop out of his room. The last time they’d spoken of it, Seth was penciled in to win the men’s battle. Creative had been building him to be the Brock-slayer, and Finn found himself feeling lucky enough just to be a part of it. The moments when his love’s life changed for the better. He was supposed to be making it to the final 10, and at least would be eliminated by Mustafa Ali. Even if he couldn’t win, it always made him feel good to put over the new guys.

As long as he wasn’t eliminated by Cena again.

“Anyway, things have changed.” Hunter’s smile wavered as it slipped between him and Seth. “Vince doesn’t like the way the Rollins/Ambrose feud has been going down. And neither do the fans.”

Dean slammed his fist down onto the table, his eyes practically blazing with fury. “Who’s fucking fault is that?! All that bullshit with the needles in my fucking ass and the damn X-Pac heat... of course they fucking hate me!”

“Save it.” The boss looked back to Finn almost apologetically. “Anyway, it’s your time to shine. You’re winning the Rumble. Going to Smackdown. And you’re taking the title from Daniel Bryan at ‘Mania.”

For a few moments, the room was deathly silent. All Finn could do was to stare at Hunter; words and thoughts and feelings he didn’t know how to process all seeming to slam into him at once. Beside him, Seth closed his arms tightly around his torso. Pulled him close, even though he felt as though he’d just cost his lover everything. “This can’t be real,” he muttered, feeling tears he didn’t want fall down his cheeks at the gentle warmth of Seth’s hand against his face.

“You deserve it.” He stared into his love’s dark eyes, trying to look for any hints of jealousy or resentment. Because honestly, he couldn’t blame him for it. But Seth just seemed to happy for him.

He heard someone beginning to cough. It was quiet, at first. Strangled and muffled, but as they fought against it, it seemed to grow. And it turned into something hacking. Consuming, that even Finn could feel deep within his ribcage. He lifted his head from Seth’s shoulder to see what was happening, and suddenly he found it difficult to find his own breath.

Sami.

His ex was doubled over in his chair, clutching at his throat as gasping wheezes came rushing out of him. He was coughing with what looked like a bone-breaking intensity, his slender form snapping forward and back with each of his coughs. Ice water flooded through Finn’s veins as he saw the man who was once his world doubled over and unable to get breath into his lungs. He started to jerk out of Seth’s arms, needing to get to Sami because if he did, maybe he could get him to breathe. How he could do that, he didn’t know, but when he saw the terror in the younger man’s eyes, Finn knew he had to try.

Alexa was already there. Standing by his side, lightly rubbing his back with startled eyes. “Drink this,” she said softly, uncapping a bottle of water and bringing it up to his lips. Sami sipped at it in between bone shattering coughs, tears streaming down his cheeks as he tried to keep it together. He felt Seth’s fingers digging into his shoulders through his t-shirt, clutching him in place and making him livid. Sami needed him...he needed him and there was nothing he could do.

Eventually, though it took far too long, his coughing fit subsided. He looked at Finn, hazel eyes still so full of tears as the embarrassment crept across his face like vines. “I’m so sorry Finn.” Sami cleared his throat again, seeming to brace himself for another crushing round of coughing. “I...I fucking ruined your moment.”

“You’ve done nothing wrong.” God, all he could think about was rushing over to hold Sami. To hold him close, so close that their chests were touching and he wouldn’t have to worry about him being able to breathe.

_He would breathe for him._

No.

Not again. Never again.

Unable to bring himself to look into his lover’s eyes, Finn subtily reached beneath the conference table to press a hand beneath Seth’s t-shirt. It wasn’t anything obscene, just his fingers skimming lightly against his boyfriend’s bare stomach. This here. This was real. His skin seeming to quiver beneath his hand as Finn touched him harder, teasing the little hairs that trailed down his stomach and past his belly button and beyond. Seth’s stomach was ridiculously toned; with the amount of crossfit he did weekly Finn couldn’t be surprised. It wasn’t anything like Sami’s, with the thicker ginger hair and just the right amount of squish. He was still sleek, but it was almost impossible to see any definition in his abs. He knew Sami often felt inadequate compared to him, even though it was nonsense. He was so warm. So solid and sweet, and he felt amazing to cuddle.

Hunter was staring at him. And Finn realized, with a sense of creeping horror, that he had yet to acknowledge his boss. “I don’t know what to say.” This was the moment he’d been waiting for. His second favorite daydream, suddenly within his clumsy grasp. “Is this...can this really be happening?”

“I’m just sorry it took this long.” He slid Finn a folded stack of tissues, smile lopsided and bright. “AJ’s dropping down to part time soon, and it’d be criminal for you two not to have more matches. It’s about time you’re reunited with Gallows and Anderson. And Zayn even.” His hand froze against Seth’s toned abs as he felt Sami staring at him. His face was unreadable behind his water bottle, but as always, his hazel eyes were so open. Finn could look into them and see everything he was thinking. The fear. Disbelief. And most beautifully, the wonder that burned deep within them like a small candle. Hope. “We’ve never really scratched the surface on the magic you two can make together.”

Finn felt his heart freeze in his chest middbeat, unsure if the words that his boss had just spoken were just an observation about two of the most underrated indie performers that the WWE had managed to require, or if there was something else lurking within. He knew...he fucking had to know about their relationship, back in the days past when they were a thing. Hunter had always had a bit of a soft spot for Sami. All of the NXT guys, but there was something about Sami Zayn specifically that had captured his imagination. He’d always gone to bat for Sami, even when he was drifting directionlessly through the midcard slush pile. And he was so sure that it was Hunter that had pressed Stephanie and Foley into bringing them both on Raw for Finn’s debut.

“So, what about me?” Seth’s words were as nazal and self assured as they always were. But he knew his lover well enough to see that it was all an act. “Who am I going to be fighting over on the big blue?”

Hunter’s eyes were simultaneously sad and triumphant. And Finn felt his stomach drop. “You really think we’re sending Monday Night Rollins over to Smackdown?” He chuckled mirthlessly. “Dream on, kid.”

Across the table, Sami started to cough again. But Finn couldn’t care.

Seth.

  
He placed his hand flat against his boyfriend’s stomach to soak in his warmth, if only for a few more moments. They couldn’t be seperated. They couldn’t. Not when it had taken so very long for them to find each other. Finn could feel Seth’s breath slipping shallowly into his lungs; catching on his ribs and rattling in his chest. “You need me for Fox. They want your best and brightest. That’s me.”

“We’re not talking about this now.” Hunter’s words were so final, each pinging off of his heart like a hailstone. Denting it a little. Making it bend. But never breaking. “You and Ambrose get your shit together, and maybe we’ll have words about the two of you in the Elimination Chamber. But for now, shut up and be happy for Finn.”

With that, Hunter continued the meeting, not seeming to notice or care that Seth was breaking beside him.

He had to turn down the push. That was a given. He wanted the title back; thought that it would be the thing that would fill the little bit of empty space lingering at the bottom of his soul. Chasing gold wasn’t worth being on opposing brands with the man he loved. Finn had gone more than two years without any sort of accolade. He knew he could go on for longer, possibly until the very end of his career. It would be fine. It had to be.

It wasn’t.

He wanted this push. Needed it so badly, the validation that he was good enough to reach the highest summit in the business. But it made him wonder if he could ever truly be complete. Having a title. Being with Seth all the time. It was clear that these things were mutually exclusive. And he would soon have to make a choice.

The meeting was over. Hunter left the office, chased down by his shaking lover. He couldn’t see them, but if he listened hard enough, he could hear Seth’s shrill stage whisper just outside the door. Finn’s shoulders were still shaking as he pulled charming smile #84 to his lips, forcing himself to breathe as a cluster of excited coworkers crowded around him. Becky with a massive hug and tears in her eyes that she clearly didn’t want him to see. Bayley following with a hug of her own, but one that he could feel the stiffness in. Daniel Bryan with a hard slap on the back and cheerful ramblings about how they’d have the best match ever and Sami…

God, Sami.

He was there. Didn’t want to be; standing a good three feet away with his hands thrust into his pockets. “You did it.” His words were threadbare, splitting from his intense coughing fit earlier.

“We did it.” Seth’s words were pitching higher in obvious annoyance, barely audible but managing to settle into the room like a poison. “When I finally get m’title, the first shot’s going to the greatest guy in the world.” The words that Finn spoke were summoned from another time; years ago when they were the only two that mattered to each other. The indie prince. And the underdog from the underground.

“I think I’m going to have my own.” Sami coughed lightly, hiding it by leaning into his hoodie sleeve.

“That cough doesn’t sound good, Sambo. Do you need-”

“I’m fine.” His words were harsher than Finn’d ever heard directed at him from Sami. Almost accusing. Stabbing into him, cutting at the part of his heart in which the redhead still resided. So he raised his hands in mock surrender. “S-Sorry. I...fuck, I can’t believe this is happening. For both of us.”

At that moment, Alexa appeared behind Sami’s shoulder as if she’d been summoned to the scene like a specter from an Ouiji board. She was smiling at him, but it was the same twisted little smirk she wore in all of her promos. Finn felt his annoyance creep up exponentially higher, like the mercury in a thermometer. Her pink tipped nails dug into Sami’s arm like claws, and Finn could swear she looked like a feral dog trying her best to defend a meal.

_Mine._

He didn’t want to see anymore.

“It’s nice to see you again, Alexa.” Finn focused on his smile, feeling it waver at the deafening sound of his own heart roaring in his ears. “Excuse me.”

Finn was so focused on rushing out of the room that he was only distantly aware of the fact that he’d just stepped on a yellow flower petal beside the chair Sami had been sitting in. Strange seeing a flower petal here. There were no floral arrangements anywhere nearby, and the grounds of the performance center didn’t have any flowers growing outside in the middle of January. It was pretty. So yellow. Almost like a trapped ray of sunshine.

Discarded and trampled by his own foot.  
*****  
“Baby-”

Finn found Seth leaning alone against the wall, head tilted up to the ceiling as tears streamed down his cheeks. “He won’t fucking listen.”

“Come on.” There were too many others around now. Their coworkers and the trainers and too, too many people who had no right to intrude on this personal moment. He grabbed his lover’s hand, trying not to feel the way it shook beneath his as he led them to one of the unused training rooms. He’d been in here, years ago, hiding from the oppressive cameras that followed him through his recovery for that documentary. Back then, it felt like everything had been taken from him. He had Sami. But that was it. His title was gone. As was his self confidence. It was like everything and yet nothing had changed.

“I’m not jealous of you.” His dark eyes were red, blistering into his and daring him to challenge.

“I know.”

“I almost can’t believe I’m not.” Seth’s laugh is as harsh as a gunshot, ricocheting around the room and making Finn wince. “You’re amazing, love. But...fuck.” The younger man didn’t bother to wipe at his eyes, and the tears streamed down his face so quickly that they soaked into his shirt. “I don’t want to lose you.”

He grabs Seth’s hand with such force that his lover actually winces from his touch. “You’re not going to lose me.” Finn leans against his chest; the sound of his sobs magnified and almost deafening within his body. “I love you. I fucking chose you.”

“But that was before.” He dropped his head to rest against Finn’s, the tears dripping into his buzzed hair like rain. “You’re going to be the champion. Who fucking knows how often we’ll be able to see each other?”

“As goddamn often as we can.” Finn clutched at Seth tighter, trying to absorb his trembling. Keeping him from shaking apart. “You’re too important to me to give up.”

There was something else between them; something they both knew although neither was willing to vocalize. It wasn’t just that Finn was changing brands. They’d still cross paths at the pay-per-views, and typically they had at least two or three days off each week between the house shows. They’d be together. Not nearly as much as they wanted, but it wasn’t as though they would be separated forever. But there was a new addition. One that they both thought was carved from their lives forever.

And Finn still cared. Not the way he did for Seth; it wasn’t anywhere as deeply or consuming. But the little bit of fondness still burned within him, flaring like a flash on the surface of the sun each time he was in the room with his ex. And Seth had to know it. Finn, as much as he loved playing up his mysterious demon persona, could never hide anything from the people he cared about.

He couldn’t think about it now. His Seth, the man he loved with every cell in his body was still beside him, even as his own were breaking down. So he cuddled him closer. Kissed him lightly, skimming his fingertips across his face. “We’re going to be okay. I swear it.”

As they stared at each other, Finn found himself counting each of his lover's tears as they fell.  Making a wish upon each of them like shooting stars, that the words he'd just spoken would remain true.


	4. Sami

 

**January 7, 2019**

**Orlando, FL**

 

“If you hurt him, I will break every bone in your little blonde body.”  Bayley shot Alexa a look that was all fire and brimstone. “Sami’s been through enough bullshit, and I will _not_ see him hurt again.”

 

He was sitting between them on some chairs backstage, keeping half of an ear on their conversation but devoting much of his attention to _Candy Crush_.  Sami had downloaded the app too many times in the past few years, waffling on the opinion that it was a colossal waste of money and time, and also an okay way to clear his mind.  And now, he really needed the distraction.

 

Things were...odd.  He didn’t want to be backstage at Raw following the meeting yesterday, still drowning in the memory of Finn’s blue eyes crashing over him.  Sami had thought he’d been imagining it; there was no way his ex would even give him the time of day when he was so obviously in love with someone as stunning as Seth Rollins.  But Finn seemed to be everywhere. He’d caught glimpses of him outside when he came to the building with Dean, looking so alone and vulnerable. He’d felt the prickling heat of someone’s eyes on him throughout the meeting, which made his insides feel blistered and irritated, like a sunburn that couldn’t be soothed.  And when he’d look up, there Finn would be again. Not backing down. Not even showing much emotion, staring at Sami as if he was one of the Sudoku puzzles they sometimes did together on long bus rides. He was so sure Finn wanted to erase him from his life, like a misplaced number.

 

And he felt like absolute shit.

 

He knew he should have gotten a flu shot, especially considering he’d been stuck at hospitals during the peak of flu season.  And apparently, it was H1N1 that was virulent this year. At least he didn’t have a fever yet. Only a cough. A cough that ripped through him like an earthquake seemingly all hours of the day and night.  His body ached in the intense aftermath of his fits, and his throat was on fire, and his lungs...fuck. He had to really concentrate on his breathing because otherwise, it was hard to draw enough breath. Like there was something that had settled inside his chest.  Taken over his insides until his body rebelled against performing such basic functions as breathing and circulating blood.

 

Sami didn’t want to love Finn.  So he would have to find someway to cut it off.  Stifle the growth, like an exotic flower trapped in the shade.  If he could just keep his distance, maybe he’d get over it.

 

Except they were going to be on Smackdown together.  And Hunter was hinting at them working together in the future.

 

A cough ripped past his irritated throat and he closed his mouth tightly to hide it.  It always seemed to get worse when he thought about Finn. Or saw Finn. Or fucking _dreamed_ about Finn.  Which meant that everything was fine; he’d lost his mind and this was his body’s way of telling him to get the fuck over his ex or it would continue to rebel.  Keep his breath from him; make sure he didn’t have a single moment’s peace. Bayley and Alexa both stared at him as he popped yet another cough drop into his mouth, paralyzing his taste buds with the flood of cherry and menthol.

 

Striped candies zoomed across his phone screen, and Sami felt his eyes blur as he fought against his insides to keep his coughing at bay.  “Why are you still here?” Alexa’s question could have felt like an accusation, if he let it. But her words were so gentle, almost as gentle as the hand against his back.  Rubbing little circles into his skin as if soothing his unstable breath away. Which didn’t work, of course, but it was sweet of her enough to try.

 

He forced a smile to his lips, hoping it wasn’t shaking with each violent contraction of his lungs.  “Dean asked me to stick around for his falls count anywhere match. But mostly, I wanted to see your talk show thing debut.”

 

“You mean that bullshit, pseudo-attitude era segment when a roadie busted in on me in a towel?” Alexa’s eyes were narrow, but he knew she wasn’t angry at him.  Truthfully, he kind of hated it too. But even though he was a bit jealous, Sami knew that he had no right to put any demands on Alexa and what she could do with her body.  She was an adult, as was he. She could choose to show herself to whomever she wished. It still made something ugly bubble up within him. “They wouldn’t have Becky, Ronda, or even Bayley demean themselves like this.  Just because it’s _me_ ; the pretty little vapid blonde apparently without any in ring talent.”

 

Sami wrapped his arms tightly around Alexa’s thin waist, laying his cheek against the top of her hair.  “That’s not true,” he said softly, trying so hard to hold back the next wave of coughing that was already brewing within him.  He didn’t know exactly what she was going through with this; how could he? As much as the WWE had been hyping up the new era in women’s wrestling.  One in which they would be taken as seriously as the men, as legitimate in-ring competitors and not just gorgeous objects to take up space on the screen.  Even as a multi-time champion, this new agenda was clearly not one that was extended to Alexa Bliss.

 

“The smarks wouldn’t want to see me so close to naked anyway.”  He’d almost forgotten that Bayley was even with them, and her sudden interjection shocked yet another wave of coughs out of him.  He bit at his tongue as hard as he could to hold them back, mouth stinging and a bit of blood mixing in the cherry from his lossange.  Sami felt Alexa clutch him closer, her tiny body seeming to disappear next to his much larger one. Her voice was gentle, and even though he couldn’t see her face with his own pressed into Alexa’s hair, he could feel her soft smile.  “Okay, you two are fucking adorable, but remember what I said. Hurt him, and I. Will. _Hurt_ you.”

 

“Big fucking words coming from someone who sat by and did nothing months ago.”  Sami could feel the anger coming off of this small woman in waves, and while it nice to see it coming out on his behalf, he didn’t want to be reminded of that place.  Of the millisecond when his heart ripped in two and he saw, but still couldn’t accept that the man he loved had never felt the same way about him. His breath shuddered within his chest, smashing against all the broken places within him and making him ache.  Feeling Alexa against him felt nice, of course. Warm and soft but so small, and he was almost afraid that if he held her as close as he needed, she’d shatter. Which was ridiculous, because despite his size and strength, Sami knew that he was the fragile one.  He coughed again. And again. Each tripping into the next and becoming more and more violent until Sami forced himself to let her go, so scared that he was clutching her too tightly. He heard Bayley rush off in search of another water bottle, and he would have told her not to bother if he had the words.  When it finally receded again; the blessed moments of calm after a storm that made his bones actually ache, he found his girlfriend

 

_//even the thought made a final, defiant cough rip past his split lips//_

 

staring up at him in absolute terror.  “You can’t keep doing this.” Her voice, which was typically so cocky and filled with swagger, was as wavering as that of a frightened child.  “Sami... _baby._ ”

 

The little pet name made his chest throb more.  Remembering the way that it sounded with a different voice; one a bit deeper.  More musical.

 

“Please go back to the room.”  Alexa sounded almost desperate.  “Or go to the fucking ER. Something is obviously wrong here, and I’m scared for you.”

 

Which made the guilt constrict harder around his lungs.  He was hurting her; hurting her with his lingering feelings for a man who had practically destroyed him.  And these feelings were poisoning his body. Stealing his breath and twisting his dreams into something he didn’t want to live without.  Sami fumbled beneath the crumpled tissues in his hoodie pockets for another cough drop, but he didn’t have any left. Not that they’d been doing all that much good, but the act of unwrapping it and placing it in his mouth gave him hope.  That maybe, _this_ time, with this particular lossange, everything would melt away like the drop on his tongue.  He’d be _fine_.  So he said the words again, even as Alexa rolled her eyes at hearing them.  “I swear I’m fine. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll stop by an Urgent Care clinic before we go to the airport tomorrow.” Sami hoped that these words gave her some comfort, because the thought gave him none. “And when they laugh at me for being over dramatic about a stupid cold and charge me hundreds of dollars for the privilege-”

 

“It’d be worth it.”  She pressed her soft lips against his cheek over and over again, her blue eyes shining with relief.  Her kiss felt nice; it always did. But there was something missing, as there always was when he felt Alexa in his arms.  There was just too much softness. Fragility wrapped within the soft curves of her skin, and as much as he wanted to convince himself that this was all that he wanted, his heart knew it was a lie.  And he hated himself for it.

Sami felt his shoulders drop in silent relief at the cheerful little *ding!* of Alexa’s phone, and the warm circle that her arms made broke, leaving him cold once more.  Cold, but at least with the memory of warmth and defined muscles pressed so sweetly against his. “Nia’s ready to go. Are you sure that you don’t want to come out with us?”

 

He shook his head no, trying to ignore the little flare of disappointment in her eyes.  “Enjoy yourself.” Sami hadn’t seen Nia in...fuck, probably months, if not close to a year.  With her schedule being as busy as it was, she hadn’t been able to visit Alexa since she moved into his place in Brooklyn.  And then Alexa would tell her about their new relationship; which was great because his girlfriend was beautiful, but then he’d have to see _that_ look in her eyes.  The same one that he saw in Dean’s yesterday.  It wasn’t malicious; he knew it. But it was super obvious.

 

//“ _How did someone like_ you _manage to get someone as perfect as her, and aren’t you gay? You have to be gay since you and Finn dated for three years and didn’t he rip your heart out and-”//_

 

He coughed again, and it felt like sandpaper ripping out of his soft throat.  At this rate, Sami had to wonder if he would have a trachea left, or if it would be the next part of his body to be shredded.

 

“I won’t be back too late.  Not really sure where we’ll end up going, but do you want me to bring you something back?”

 

“Nah, I’ll probably go over to catering.  Going to have to get used to their abysmal hummus and frozen falafel again.”   He gave her the keys to his rental car, figuring that he’d able to get a ride back to the hotel with Dean and Renee.  “Didn’t get the insurance, so try not to crash it.”

 

“You’re not the boss of me.”  Her lips were gentle against his and Sami froze for a moment, fighting his base instinct to pull away.  If he _was_ as sick as the rest of the world seemed to think he was, he didn’t want her to catch this and suffer the way he did.  But by this point, if he was contagious, she probably would have caught it. Sami’s cheeks burned with the smile that he forced, and as he watched her walk away he was so thankful that Alexa didn’t know him well enough to question.  

*****

There were just too many people in catering.  Too much humanity, all pressed together in a small space with too many conversations blurring with the smell of too many meals.  It made him a bit lightheaded, so instead of plopping in front of the monitor with the rest of the remaining roster, Sami grabbed an energy bar and went off in search of some solitude.  He’d have to get used to this again. The noise. The same conversations over and over again, sprinkled with questions others didn’t actually care about and answers that he didn’t want to give.  He hadn’t changed at all in the months surrounding his injury. The rest of the world had.

 

Sami found a monitor a bit of the way down the hallway from the gorilla area, with a few plastic folding chairs haphazardly set up around it.  He probably couldn’t stay here for long, since there were already camera men setting up in various positions in the hallway to capture the fight when it came backstage.  He sat cross legged atop one of the shipping containers, ignoring the glare from one of the techs as he pulled out his phone.

 

So many Twitter notifications.  Which wasn’t all that surprising, since Alexa had tagged him in a photo of them two days ago.  Lots of retweets from fans and thousands of favorites. Kevin, even though they still weren’t talking much had retweeted it, along with Cesaro and a few of his old indie friends.  Bayley had left a heart emoji along with her favorite, and he felt his throat tighten when he saw that Seth had retweeted it. Finn had not.

 

His hands shook when he noticed that he had an unread DM from his father.  It felt strange and impersonal for his family to reach out to him that way, since everyone close to him knew that he engaged with social media at only the bare minimum that the WWE required.  Sami flicked his eyes up to the monitor for a few moments at the sound of the raid sirens at the beginning of Dean’s entrance. Even backstage, it was abrasive. Made his insides hurt.

 

_Nice to see you’ve finally outgrown playing with your friends_

 

Nausea began to creep up inside of him as he deleted it without responding.  He couldn’t deal with that now. His parents had been livid when he’d come out, and even more so when he started dating Finn.  Sami honestly thought that they would have disowned him. But his relationship became something of a dirty little secret. Never mentioned, beyond sneering inquiries about his _roommate_.  He’d made the mistake of bringing Finn to Montreal with him once, and the quiet fury that cocooned them had Sami rushing to the closest hotel by the end of the first night.  He would have given up everything for Finn. If they’d married, Sami obviously would have taken his name.

 

“I didn’t know you were still here.”

 

All the blood rushed to his face when he saw Finn, slumped bonelessly in one of the folding chairs, still in his trunks.  Sami had to look away...couldn’t stand to see the brightness in his eyes or his smile or the way his muscles seemed to gleam beneath the fluorescent lights.  “Dean asked me to stay.” He closed Twitter quickly, fighting back another fit of coughing that seemed to pulse at his voicebox.

 

“You must be thrilled to be back.”  Sami felt his entire body tense as Finn scooched closer, offering him yet another bottle of water that would do nothing.  At least he’d never been so hydrated, even though it did nothing to calm his cough.

 

“Technically, I’m not back yet.”  The box felt smooth beneath his fingertips, and he picked at one of the labels without thinking.  “Not until the Rumble.”

“I know you missed it, though.”  He heard Finn suck in his breath as Dean whacked Seth with a kendo stick from under the ring.  “You breathe this, Sambo.”

 

Sami couldn’t suppress a particularly violent blast of coughs that made his spine rattle.  He tried to turn it into a humorless chuckle, but his throat was raw and his chest ached, and he didn’t have the energy to hide it all from Finn.  “I don’t seem to be doing a very good job of that lately.”

 

Finn turned to him in shock, his

 

_//beautiful//_

 

ice blue eyes radiating out concern like the rays of the sun.  Their fingertips touched, but only barely, but to Sami it was like two tectonic plates colliding.  Finn’s index finger brushed up and down his pinky, and it was...fuck, it was everything. Everything he’d been missing, even if it wasn’t his to miss.  Everything his soul craved and heart beat for. He knew he was staring, and if the warning prickling at the back of his eyes was any indication, he was probably only a few seconds from crying again.  How could that possibly be? Sami had shed so, so many tears for Finn over the past few months. It seemed impossible that he had any left.

 

“...not my fucking fault!” He jumped away with only a moment to spare before Road Dogg rushed out of the gorilla area, eyes bulging and furious.  “There’s something fucking wrong with Sullivan, and fuck if I know what we’re going to do about the dark match!” The booking manager glanced around the hallway desperately, and his eyes widened as they locked on Sami’s.  “Zayn!”

 

“Uh...hi?” Sami felt like a rabbit hopping dangerously next to the snapping talons of an eagle.

 

“You’re cleared, arent’cha?”

 

“Well, yeah, but-”

 

“Then it’s perfect!” Road Dogg jovially slapped him on the shoulder, before gasping in horror when he realized what he’d just done.  “You’re thirsty to get back out there, I can see it in your eyes. What do you say?”

 

Terror slowly crept through his bloodstream like a toxin.  “I...yeah, I mean it’s been a while since I’ve wrestled. I might be rusty.”

 

“No one fucking cares! It’s a dark match, not the main event of ‘Mania.”  His eyes were clearly begging for compliance, which made Sami feel terribly guilty.  “I just gotta find someone to book you against. Fuck, I wish Cesaro was still here.”

 

“I’ll do it.”  Finn’s smile was so gentle and bright as he looked over at Sami.  “Hunter said he wants us to start working together anyway.”

 

“Hang on a sec, let me put Hunter on speakerphone.”  The older man messed with his phone a bit. “Can you hear us? I’m with Zayn and Balor backstage, and they want to do the dark match.”

 

“I...I mean, I never really said-”

 

“Listen boys.”  Hunter’s voice was gruff.  “This is going to be a five minute match.  Balor, you get the win, but don’t squash Zayn.  Keep it pretty even. And don’t _either_ of you do anything to risk Zayn’s shoulders.  Do you understand?”

 

Sami couldn’t find his voice, which had been lost beneath the shifting layers of all his anxiety.  But Finn was there, at least, to pull his ass out of the fire. “Yes, sir.”

 

“Good.  Sorry kid, I wish I could be there to see your return to the ring, but I’m about to get on a plane.  I’m sure you’ll do great.”

 

He wanted to run from the gratitude in his voice.  Because he didn’t deserve it. Hunter genuinely cared, and for the life of him, Sami couldn’t understand why.  He knew he wasn’t anything special. Just another guy from the indies, and while he knew that he was talented, there were so many others that were moreso.  He felt so guilty, almost as though he’d tricked his boss into believing that he was something that he wasn’t. Others could see through him. Why couldn’t Hunter? “Thank you.”  It wasn’t enough, but it was all he could force out.

 

“You have your gear, right?”

 

Sami nodded, before realizing that his boss couldn’t see him over the phone.  Which made his cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Um...yes, sir. I sat in on a class with some of the developmental guys this morning, and we practiced in full gear.”

 

“Great.”  Sami flinched a bit as Hunter cut him off mid-ramble.  “Have fun out there. Make me proud.”

*****

About ten minutes later, Sami paced anxiously through the gorilla area, mind swimming with the match spots that he and Finn agreed on.  He’d lost so much weight since the last time he’d been in the ring, that his match tights no longer fit. Luckily, he’d refused to part with his gear from his Generico days, so he at least had tights.  Even though they were plain black without the checkered adornment and the Arabic letters that everyone was used to seeing. He wiped his sweaty palms across the stretchy fabric, feeling his throat tighten as Finn’s insanely long entrance music seemed to stretch out for hours.  Since he was slated to lose, he’d offered to go out to the ring first. But Finn had insisted. Wanted to give the audience the unexpected pop of seeing again. Which, of course, assumed that anyone even cared.

The first cheerfully poppy sounds of his theme hit, and Sami couldn’t believe the roar that followed.  With much less zeal than he was used to, he crept past the curtain, borrowing the false smile that Finn always kept with the other props backstage as he looked around the crowd.  They were on their feet for him. Some screaming so loud that he could barely hear his music over the deafening roar. He wasn’t going to cry. He _wasn’t_.  But as he walked further out onto the metal ramp, the electricity flowed through him and he burst into tears.  In his lowest moments, when his shoulders screamed with agony and his subconscious ripped itself to shreds, Sami was so sure that this would never happen again.  He’d never wrestle again. Never feel this magic again; this amazing moment that he could barely put into words.

 

Finn was waiting for him in the center of the ring, his blue eyes damp but gleaming.  They shook hands, since even in kayfabe the audience knew that they were important to each other.  Sami threw his flatcap into the audience without thinking, practically flying on the adrenaline and the pulsing _“Ole!”_ chants that drove his heartbeat.

 

He was rusty.  Sami could feel it.  Moves that once flowed through his body like water were stiff.  Perhaps a bit robotic, although part of that surely came from attempting to hold back another wave of coughing.  It was an awkward dance between them, one that Sami was more than happy to let Finn lead. He saw the ref signal them discreetly, warning them that it was time to wrap the match up.  And they both knew what was expected. Sami’s Helluva kick would miss, which would leave him vulnerable and tangled in the ropes, and Finn would capitalize. Something expected. A good enough ending to a good enough match.

 

“Pin me.”

 

He stared at Finn in shock, certain that he’d misheard his friend’s whisper.  “What?”

 

Finn swatted at Sami, leaning in closer to hide their conversation.  “Keep going,” he hissed, stumbling back against the turnbuckle. “I’m eating the pin.”

 

This was so wrong.  Pretty much one of the ten commandments of wrestling.   _Thou shall not defy the booking agent_.  If Sami did this, he was so scared that he’d lose his push before it even happened.  But as he looked into the shimmering ocean blue eyes that seemed to beg him to listen, he couldn’t help but nod.

 

He hit his finisher.

 

Crouched over Finn in the center of the ring.

 

One.  Two. _Three._

 

The bell rang.

 

It took longer than it should have for his music to reprise, since they both knew that Finn’s was already queued and waiting.  The ref came over between them, visibly annoyed by the way this had played out, and that annoyance spread like a fire as his friend knocked him to the side.  Grasped Sami’s sweat slick wrist in his own hand and raised it up. Even as the screams for him continued, or perhaps had never stopped, he barely heard them.   _Felt_ them deep in his core; the contrasting chants of _“Welcome back!”_ , “ _You deserve it!”_ , and of course, the _“Ole!”_ But he couldn’t take his eyes off of Finn.  His beautiful face was twisted in happiness, and Sami could swear he felt, but barely believed that his hand shook against his arm.  They stood in the ring for far longer than he typically would have following a victory, but the fans were still cheering and Sami wanted to treasure the sweet burn of Finn’s skin against his for as long as he could.  He leaned in close enough to whisper, even though the crowd was so loud that no one would have been able to hear them anyway. “Why?”

 

He just shrugged, as if giving Sami this amazing moment to treasure had been something completely mundane.  

 

Walking up the entrance ramp back behind the LED screens felt like waking up from a dream.  With each step he took, he felt his heart which had once felt so light and untethered slip back into his chest to crush his lungs like a dumbell.  It was getting harder to breathe; the air entering his throat but slipping away before it reached his lungs like water through a sieve. He didn’t want to believe it...wanted to wish it away like so many other naive childish dreams but as they remained together, close enough to barely brush against each other but neither willing to make any deliberate contact, Sami was certain that he still loved Finn.  Loved him with an intensity that scared him, since it was so consuming. Every single cell in his body hungered for his touch. He knew he wasn’t worthy of it. Could never be worthy of it, and if this was all they could ever have together, Sami knew it had to be enough. He dropped a hand across his mouth to hide his coughing, but the more he struggled against it, the harsher it became. By this point, they’d at least made it up past the opening in the screens and as soon as the arena lights were no longer on them, Sami felt Finn throw his arms around him.  Pull him close. Close enough to feel the sweet fire as their bare torsos pressed against each other. “Welcome back, love.”

 

This moment should have been perfect.  He knew that Finn’s affirmation didn’t mean anything to him, not in the same earth shattering way it did for Sami.  His ex always called the people that he was close to “love,” and even though he knew that Finn’s heart would never be his, Sami had given his away long ago.  He was coughing harder, so hard that he was practically retching, and he wanted so badly to believe that it was just the aftershocks from such an emotional match.  But they kept coming. Harsher than ever, actually feeling as if something was being ripped out of him. Finn clutched him tighter, as if somehow he could feel that he was breaking apart and it was only his arms that could keep him together.  

 

Something came up.

 

Sami’s head was spinning, the world seeming to drift in and out of a shadowy consciousness as the breath that he needed so badly continued to evade him.  His fingers felt so cold, so cold and slimy and when he saw the bits of yellow, he was so scared that he’d coughed up an organ. His eyes felt so heavy as he chased his breath like a marathon runner, and just before he felt them fall closed, he actually realized what he’d coughed up.

 

 _Flower petals._  An entire handful of bright, almost silken petals, somehow still beautiful even as they were clotted and stuck together between his fingers.  He hadn’t eaten flowers...fuck, probably not _ever_ so how could this be happening how could he be

 

 _“SAMI!”_ Finn’s words were distorted.  Echoing and terrified, and he wanted to go back to him.  Wanted to stay in his arms forever, even as the cold fingers of unconsciousness grasped him.   

 

The world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously, Finn and Sami would never defy booking like this. But poor Sami deserves a little happiness.


	5. Seth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Things are about to get a lot more complicated for Finn and Seth...

_ “The number you have dialed: (212)-” _

 

Seth disconnected the call with a hiss of disgust, falling down onto the metal bench in the locker room and staring at the floor.  His wet curls fell into his eyes which would have annoyed him, had he not been so worried.

 

Worried and enraged.

 

He’d been searching for Finn since the dark match ended. Had forced himself to watch about half of it, but it eventually became too much for him.  Too much pain hidden in the twisted arc of Zayn’s smile; his eyes begging Finn... _ his _ Finn for something that made his stomach twist.

 

_ //choose me. _

 

_ love me.// _

 

He knew that look far too well.  Saw it in himself each time he’d watch one of his old matches with his lover.  He should have fucking sympathised with Zayn since they were the two people in this world who knew what it was like to be in love with Finn Balor.  And to have those feelings totally unrequited.

 

His own match felt pointless.  The fans hated it.  _ He _ fucking hated it.  He’d always been so certain of his in-ring ability, but now.  Now he was being booed by the same fans that had once screamed for him.  Things had changed so, so drastically in the past 48 hours. Everything felt wrong.  Out of focus, like one of those magic eye illusions where hidden pictures would appear if you let your eyes blur.

 

He hated those.  And hated the images that were starting to appear.

 

“Let’s go.”  Dean’s words.  So cold, practically freezing as they fell around him.  Seth looked up at his former friend, who was quickly stuffing Zayn’s street clothes into a bag.  

 

His first instinct was to snap back at his friend.  There was no reason to listen to a fucking word that he had to say.  Not with the pieces of their friendship still shattered like shards of glass.  “Where?” 

 

“Hospital.”

 

With that one word, Seth felt his heart stop beating.  “Finn.” He could barely force it out past his numb lips.  

 

“Fucking shit, not  _ everything  _ is all about him!” Dean was practically frothing in his rage, the bag with Zayn’s things dangling between them like a deflated balloon.   “It’s Sami. Something fucking happened to him, and your boy-toy took him to the hospital.”  

 

“Finn’s not my-”

 

“Right now, I don’t give a shit about anything that’s about to come out of your mouth.”  Dean’s blue eyes were so icy; bitterly cold and seeming to suck all the warmth out of the area around them.  “Come with me. Or don’t. You don’t matter to me.”

 

He turned his back to leave the locker room, and Seth followed clumsily behind.  Almost tripping over his own feet and the memories that he had no business picking through. 

*****

Everyone was there.  Of-fucking-course everyone was there; the entire universe seemed to be obsessed with Sami Zayn.  Kevin sat in a little cluster of seats alone, his eyes fixed on the flatscreen TV in front of him but seeing nothing.  One hand was clenched around a nondescript travel cup, but the beverage seemed to be more of a prop than something he would actually consume.  Alexa sat close to Nia, looking more like a broken doll in the arms of her child than a grown woman. Her makeup was an absolute mess; mascara streaming down her face and shadow blurring out to her cheekbones, but for now, her eyes were dry.  Nia said nothing, staring stoically ahead with her arms tightly wrapped around her friend. In fact, no one there was currently crying. Not even Bayley, who was perched at the edge of her dayglo plastic chair close to the nurse’s station.

 

Except for Finn.

 

He was staring down at a clipboard full of blank forms, not even bothering to wipe his eyes as his tears dripped down to stain the paper.  Finn never looked up at him; never even bothered to cut off the little sobs that kept bubbling up out of him, each popping and burning against Seth's heart like an acid.  "H-Have you been vaccinated against whooping cough?"

 

Seth couldn't even speak.  The utter pain and helplessness in Finn's voice took his own from him.  He nodded, slipping into the seat beside his

 

_ //his...fucking  _ **_his_ ** _ // _

 

partner and feeling the prickle of five sets of eyes against his skin.  Bayley and Dean were livid. Alexa and Kevin were despondent, each trying to tread water in a sea of pain only milliseconds from drowning them.  Nia was totally lost, flung head first into a situation she couldn't even process.

 

Finn was.

 

God.

 

Finn was totally broken.

 

"I know I am but I don't remember about Sami."  Finn dropped the pen down onto the thick pack of paperwork in obvious frustration.

 

"Why is this  _ your  _ problem?" The words came out much harsher than Seth intended, each twisted with pain and a million unanswered questions.  Why was Finn even still involved? Why did Finn look like everything good in his life been ripped away from him in a single moment? Why was Seth suddenly so afraid that the life he knew and cherished was about to vanish?

 

So lost in the clinging spiderweb of his own pain, Finn didn't seem to notice Seth's. "I'm still in the hospital's system as his emergency contact."

 

It made so much sense, but Seth still hated it.  And Sami, for that matter. "What even happened to him?"

 

His partner's voice was a broken little thing that fractured more with each letter spoken.  "I don't know. H-He stopped breathing backstage and no one will tell me anything."  

 

Seth was so lost in the swirling vortex of Finn's pain and his own rage that he didn't notice Kevin until he was beside them.  "Let me do that." He took the clipboard from Finn's shaking hands. "I need to call his parents anyway."  

 

"Excuse me?" A doctor dressed both in scrubs and an aura of grave concern approached them.  "You're all here for Mr. Zayn, correct?"

 

"Yes."  Seth couldn't help but notice that Alexa grasped Nia's hand so tightly her knuckles were white.

 

"He's stable but unconscious.  Because Mr. Zayn's in the ICU, he can only have two visitors with him at any given time."  The doctor glanced at each of them in turn, clearly trying to make sense out of a situation that had none.  Without thinking, Seth grasped Finn's hand as tightly as he could, needing to show the world that his partner was still  _ his _ .  Had chosen him and nothing had changed.

 

But Finn was already on his feet, clammy fingers slipping too easily through his own.

 

"Oh no.  No, no,  _ no _ !" Dean's words were shot through with equal parts disbelief and rage.  

 

"I need to see him."

 

"The  _ fuck _ you do!" Alexa's eyes burned hard into his own, and the longer they kept eye contact, the angrier Seth felt.  Not at her. Not even at Sami. It was like they were on some secret wavelength; the two outliers in the puzzle that had once been Sami and Finn.  

 

Seth could almost see the two pieces fitting back together.  Even with all Finn's assurances and the few sweet months they'd shared.  And there was no fucking way he'd go back to the way things were before. The coldness.  The loneliness tingling in his skin that couldn't ever be soothed.

 

Finn's ice blue eyes seemed to burn like hellfire.  "He was  _ mine _ for three fucking years.  You and your three days with him can-"

 

" _ Enough _ !" Kevin's scream seem to split the choking tension between them all like a bitterly cold rainstorm.  "Alexa and I are going back first."

 

His partner scowled like a child who had been denied dessert.  "Well I'm not leaving."

 

"Yes you are."  Seth found himself staring at Finn, and it almost felt like he was looking into the eyes of a stranger.  His heart was twisting tightly, around and around and repeating to infinity and it actually hurt to beat.  “We’re going. Now.”

 

The force of absolute anger in Finn’s eyes felt like it had burned through him like a laser.  Such betrayal, and the thing that made Seth the sickest was that he wasn’t sure if it was stronger in his partner or himself.  Entire universes seemed to pass between them in the space of a single moment, and eventually Finn sighed bitterly.  

 

Seth won.  Even if it didn’t feel like it.

 

He looked back over to Kevin, and all of the anger he’d been feeling drained out of him along with more tears.  “Call me? Please? The moment anything changes with him.”

“I will.”  He twitched the corners of his mouth up into a smile, but it was blatantly obvious to everyone there that there was nothing behind it.  Just fear. Uncertainty.

 

Bayley and Dean decided to stay in the waiting room, both claiming to be too anxious about Zayn’s wellbeing to even consider leaving.  Nia offered to wait around as well for Alexa's sake, but the little blonde wouldn't have it. She wasn't leaving. Would not even consider leaving until Zayn was all right and by her side.  It was more than obvious that Finn felt the exact same way, and the fact that Seth would not allow it made the invisible wall that had gone up between them larger. And he wasn’t sure if it could ever come down.

*****

They ended up at a Chipotle a few blocks away from their hotel.  Not because either of them were particularly hungry; Seth was too nauseated by all that had just had just happened to even consider eating more than a few bites.  But neither of them wanted to be alone together quite yet. Not in a hotel room, with the oppressive silence crushing Seth more and more with each passing second. He just watched Finn as he picked his way through his burrito bowl, trying to ignore the way his partner checked his phone every few seconds.

 

He  _ wanted _ to ignore it.  Wanted to pretend more than anything that nothing had changed; they had the same perfect relationship that had been all Seth wanted for years.  But the longer he watched Finn floundering through his pain, the more he became certain that he couldn’t. “Do you love me?”

 

Finn closed his eyes, breath shuddering on the exhale.  “Why are you doing this now?”

 

But Seth wasn’t backing down.  Not now. There was too much that had been bubbling up inside of him, and this whole incident with Zayn was the catalyst.   He’d been so happy. Living with Finn. Sharing his entire life with him; his house and his dog and all of the million tiny little moments that he wanted to clutch more than anything.  Sometimes, and it hurt him so much to acknowledge, Seth felt like a visitor to Finn’s heart. “You love him.” Not a question, a clearly spoken truth that he felt like he was choking on.  

 

“God, I can’t deal with this.”  Finn raked shaking fingers through his skin-faded hair, the sound of skin against skin deafening in the mostly silent restaurant.  “Sami might be fucking dying and you want to make this all about you.”

 

“It’s never been about me, Finn.”  Seth’s words felt like they were cutting him on the way out.  This was something he wanted to keep buried inside forever, even if it poisoned him.  “It’s always. Always. Been about Sami.”

 

“Because he’s m’best mate!” Finn slammed his fist hard on the table, their mostly uneaten dinners skittering to the sides almost as if they were trying to run away.  “Fucking hell, do  _ I _ get jealous of the time you spend with Roman?”

 

“He’s married.”

 

“And Sami’s fucking Alexa Bliss, so what difference does that make?!” The bitterness in his partner’s voice made him wince.  Mostly because he couldn’t tell if it was rooted in anger towards himself or the fact that Zayn had moved on.  

 

Seth knew that he should have left it here.  Moved on; pulled the fraying strands of his heart together and tried to lose himself in the happy glow of his relationship.  But now that he’d started talking about it, the insecurities couldn’t stop flowing. “I need you to tell me, please, because I’ll drive myself crazy not knowing.  Do you still love him?”

 

Finn stared down at his hands as the seconds kept flowing, each seeming to be somehow longer than the last.  When he spoke, his words were quiet. Almost broken. “I don’t know.”

 

“Then I guess there isn’t anything left for us to talk about.”  Pulling his knit beanie down to obscure his leaking eyes, Seth threw out trash and began to stalk out of the restaurant.  

 

“Goddamnit, wait!” He heard Finn following close behind, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around.  He didn’t want to look into the face he so loved and see the love for Sami fucking Zayn shining out where his own should be.  Soft fingers grasped at his wrist to pull him back, but Seth jerked away in pain. Pain from his shattered heart. Pain as his brain throbbed with all of the sweet words Finn had spoken to him throughout their relationship.  Words he so, so treasured, even though they’d all been lies. “He  _ was _ my life! You  _ are _ my life, and I can’t fucking lose you!”

 

“You should get your own hotel room.”  Seth turned his back to him, trying with all that remained of him to keep his words from shaking.  Because if he started sobbing now, he knew he wouldn’t stop. He had to get out of here. Had to get away from Finn and the life he so wanted that was apparently forever out of his reach.

 

Finn kissed him.

 

There was no love in it.  Nothing but absolute desperation that tasted as bitterly salty as the sea.  He could feel his own tears streaming down his cheeks to mix with Finn’s as they clutched at each other, even though it felt as fleeting as trying to hold onto a dream.  “I love you,” his partner sobbed, words little more than hot breath that Seth eagerly swallowed. Consumed, so that they would bloom deep within him and maybe even regrow his heart.  

 

It was like they were both trying so hard to clutch something fleeting.  Something that they could both feel slipping away that Seth wanted more than anything to protect.  

 

Until Finn’s phone chimed.

 

The magic of just a moment prior vanished.  Fell to shatter against the parking lot into a million little pieces that Seth didn’t think he could reconstruct.  The text was from Kevin; that wasn’t much of a surprise. But the photo was.

 

Zayn was unconscious.  Skin so pale it was almost blue against the white sheets.  Wires and tubes snaked from different points of his body, hooked up to seemingly dozens of machines just out of the eye of the camera.  The thing that made Seth shudder, though, was the ventilator tube stuffed into his throat. So thick. Both obstructing and giving him air.  Even though he still resented the man, seeing Zayn in such a state made him nauseous. He might hate him. But no one deserved that.

 

The tone of Finn’s sobbing seemed to shift.  Before he’d been afraid of losing him, but now.  He was heartbroken. And Seth’s heart broke more for him.  

 

**_Kevin Owens_ **

_ They still won’t tell us what’s wrong _

**_Kevin Owens_ **

_ The pulmonologist is supposed to be in to talk to us.  Not sure they will, though, not until he’s awake. _

 

Finn wiped at his eyes as tears dripped as silently as ghosts down his cheeks.

 

**_Finn Balor_ **

_ Is he going to survive? _

 

As angry as he was.  As afraid and utterly lost as he may have felt, Seth wrapped his arms as tightly as he could around his lover’s slender waist.  Treasuring each and every breath he felt, since they could apparently be fleeting. The three flashing dots on the screen indicated that Kevin was still typing felt like they were mocking him.  Throwing even more uncertainty into lives already boiling over with it.

 

**_Kevin Owens_ **

_ I don’t know. _

 

Finn wept for his past.  And Seth found himself weeping for a future he wasn’t sure he’d ever have.

****


End file.
